Saturday, August 30, 2008

Happy Birthday beautiful son!

7 years ago at 2am I went in to labor with my first baby. Around 1pm my water broke and my baby's heart stopped beating. I was (slowly) rushed to the hospital and after my baby's death was confirmed I had to push for the next 7 hours to get him out. We named him Christian Nicholas Call. He was born at 7:55pm, weighing 9 lbs and was 21 1/2" long. I was able to hold him, take pictures of him, take a short video of him and just love him for the next 14 hours or so.

My mind, body and spirit has never been so emotionally stimulated & shattered prior to,
or since that horrible day.

Today would have been my son Christian's 7th birthday. He would be starting 2nd grade. He would be starting to prepare for his baptism.

I wonder if Ashleigh and/or Preston would be here if Christian had lived. I wonder how different our lives would be now. I wonder what kind of mom I would have been to him vs. how I am with Ashleigh and Preston. I wonder what his likes and dislikes would be. I wonder what his personality would be like. I think about him constantly.
The pain of that horrible day has faded and sadness has gone away. It all feels like a dream it never it's only in my mind.
I have changed so much since the day that my son died. I feel like I am completely different person. Losing a baby is such a difficult thing to go through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've heard that losing a child will either cause a marriage to fall apart or it will cause the couple to grow closer together. I have seen instances where it tears a couple apart. I feel extremely lucky that Nick and I were able to grow closer together...MUCH closer! We have probably have one of the best relationships I have ever seen. He is my rock and the love of my life and I feel very blessed to have him in my life!

I feel especially blessed that I have 2 wonderful living children. Both of them know who Christian was. His name is spoken in our house they will never forget.

It was a very hard thing for me to move to Utah and be so far away from where Christian was buried. I feel extremely blessed that my sister, Emily, is willing to go "visit him" any time that I ask her to.
I am so grateful for all the cards I receive every year on his's amazing to me how many people still remember after all this time. It touches my heart and makes me feel SO loved!

There are many people who I think were taken back to heaven before their time (grandpa Ballard, Grandma/Grandpa Call, Christian, Olivia, Howie-my dog) and I like to think that they are all in heaven together, watching us and helping to guide our lives.
My son has effected my life in a way that no one can and when I get back to heaven someday I am going to THANK my Heavenly Father for allowing me to have this life altering experience. And I plan to RUN to my little boy and throw my arms around him and try very hard to never let him go!

Happy Birthday, my sweet Christian!

THANK YOU for coming in to our lives and affecting us ALL!

I love you I miss you

Drawing by My wonderful mother in law--Juli Call

Painting by my very thoughtful Grandma--Leslie Powell

Christian Nicholas Call's hand print

Nick holding his son less than an hour after birth

Our little family...altered forever!

The last picture...just before we had to say goodbye.

It is also our 6th Temple anniversary today. Happy anniversary honey! I love you!


Tamsen said...

Happy Birthday Christian! We love you!! We love you, Megan and Nick.

Josh n Betsie said...

Happy Birthday Christian!I cant believe it has been 7 years already!

Patrick and Emily said...

Wow, it's hard to see those pictures and be transported back. Started my day off crying! Love you. I will go clean off his grave this weekend.


Unknown said...

Hi Megan & Nick,
My name is Christine I am friends with Betsie. We read each others blogs often so I saw her post about your family and your sweet little sons birthday! Thank You for sharing your story. You are a Amazing Woman! I KNOW you will see you sweet baby again! Hold on to that Day! IT WILL COME!! Happy Birthday to you little Christian!

Russ and Suzanne Ballard said...

I am blubbering so hard as I read this post, sweet Megan. The same emotions came flooding back as I saw those pictures again. Since I'm pretty sure dad and I will be able to be with Christian before you will be there, don't worry - we'll give him all the G'ma and G'pa attention there that your other children have been getting from us here, OK? The main thing is to do all we ALL can to hold tight - knuckle white - to the iron rod that leads us back to that precious little grandson. Scriptures daily, prayer many times daily, following the Savior, doing the Lord's will, attending all our Church meetings, going to the Temple frequently, etc. All of these things keep us on that path back to Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, our loved ones and precious Christian. Love, mom

arah said...

oh Nick and Megan,
I knew that this anniversary was coming up and spaced it when I went out of town for a baptism. I can't believe it's been 7 years. I remember when I asked Grandma kunz if you had the baby, and when she told me that Christian had passed away, I thought,"thats not a funny thing to say." It shocked me and I just couldn't believe it. Then 6 years later, for us to have to go through the same thing. I would have never imagined.
I hope you know that your in our thoughts. I got back today from the baptism and thought about going to Olivia's grave. Now I know why I was so drawn to want to go. Tomorrow, I plan on making a trip up there, for Christians sake, because I can't visit his grave.
We love you guys! Hope that this weekend wasn't too hard on you and that you spent it remembering how important being together forever is and that you'll be with him again.
I am sure that he is like a big brother to Olivia and they talk about what goofy, fun parents they have.
Love you guys!

arah said...

by the way...Happy Anniversary!
I went into labor with Olivia last year on our 6th sealing anniversary.

Anonymous said...

I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you at this time of year when we all think about Christian and that fateful day. Sometimes I have to hold my feelings very close in order to control my emotions. Like you said, the terrible pain in our hearts fades, but the memories are still so vivid. I still can't talk about it without just crying. Not just because he isn't here, but thinking of the pain you and Nick went through. Watching you leave that hospital with empty arms was like a cruel joke. I know that Heavenly Father is in charge and that Christian was too good to live here. He has blessed all of our lives tremendously, but we miss him. We felt his giant, strong and valiant spirit. I will forever be grateful for the way his little life has drawn us all so close together. Happy anniversary. I love and adore you little Call family. I will see you when we get home. Love always, Mom Call